you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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