oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
