Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
