She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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