god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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