I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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