She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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