Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
