All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
