Screwed.edu
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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