Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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