she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
