According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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