Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When are your genitals available?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
