stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
