This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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