mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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