Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
