i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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