see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
