i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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