My sheets look like a crime scene.
Where is the hickey?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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