Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
