Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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