so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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