he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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