I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
