you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
