I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
