drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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