It's a beautiful day for a hangover
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Hippo gnu deer
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
