im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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