I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
