Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
