I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You smell like stripper and shame
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
