i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
