i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
