Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
