oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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