Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
