why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Are we still banned from the library?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
