Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
