pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
