Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
