watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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