It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
