My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
