As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
