i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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