I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
